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Holidays: don't panic!

Is it less stressful to just stay at home? Discover the recipe for family holiday heaven courtesy of Karen and Caroline at the Parenting Café

I spend my whole time at home feeling guilty that I don’t do this and I don’t do that. In my busy periods I do find myself thinking well at least next week we will be on holiday, and I won’t be too busy, and I’ll be able to spend more time with them. But actually when we get on holiday I end up wanting the children to leave me alone so I can read my book!
Susie ~ 2 daughters & 1 son (9, 12 & 14 yrs)

Do you remember when you first experienced the dawning realisation that holidaying as a family can actually be so stressful if might be easier to stay at home? Holidays, although very exciting, and a wonderful way to enjoy quality family time, can cause huge amounts of stress - both before you leave and once you get there.

Last year we were stuck in a plane on a runway for three hours, my children are old enough now to accept their fate and they were very patient but we were surrounded by families with small children who were going through a living nightmare. There is simply no way to keep a two year old quiet and happy in an aeroplane seat. I never really enjoyed the holidays we took abroad when it involved flying with small children it was bad enough flying out, but then you spent the entire holiday with the thought of the return flight looming over you. The holidays I enjoyed were the ones where we took our car. My husband always felt that a proper holiday involved flying but I found it much easier being in control of our travel times, route and when we stopped to eat and so on. We’ve learnt masses about happy holidays from our discussion groups with parents. Lots about how to get organised and advice on how to get to your holiday destination (and back) in one piece. In fact, we started our research on this topic expecting to generate a great list of tips on packing, travelling and how to keep children quiet on an aeroplane. However, we’ve come to realise that for holidays (unlike many other family life issues) there is one thing you can do, that is fairly easy and will mean you have a much greater chance of enjoying your holiday. Forgive us for stating the obvious but this is a key point you need to take the time to decide very carefully what you want out of a holiday and then how you can achieve it.
Caroline, Parenting Café

What we’ve found is that most of us plan our holidays the wrong way round we think we fancy a beach holiday in Spain, camping in Wales or a rented cottage in France and off we go (budget permitting) and book it. Now if you’ve already booked your holiday you may want to skip the next section and go straight onto Packing Without Panicking below but if you have yet to organise a summer holiday, or you are thinking ahead to Christmas or next year then the next section is for you.

We’ve made some terrible decisions about holidays but the worst was going on a beach package trip when the children were 2 & 4. The travelling was a nightmare, delays and silly flight times; the hotel was full of families so we were overwhelmed at every meal by grizzling children and in the pool by aggressive large boys. Being on the beach was a nightmare. I couldn’t take my eyes off the little one for a minute and my eldest took a complete aversion to sand and became hysterical if she got it on her face. I had envisaged a gently lapping sea and 2 golden children playing quietly by my sun lounger but by the third day I would have paid extra to come home early.
Peggy ~ 2 daughters (10 & 12 yrs).

When our daughter was just two we went on one of those upmarket family sports holidays to the Med. The company had just taken over the resort site from a French company. The sports and water facilities were great, but the rooms were not! It was very hot and there was no air conditioning and the quality of the accommodation was pretty poor. The idea of the holiday seemed to be that you put your children to bed and then went to dinner where you met and sat with lots of different people – a sort of lucky dip dinner party every evening. It sounded nice on paper, but in reality this meant leaving our very young daughter in a strange place at night, which was hot and not very appealing. There was a listening patrol which was supposed to call you if they heard your child sounding distressed but I just couldn’t bear it, it was the most awful experience. The restaurant was four or five minutes from our room - what about if there was a fire? Or if the she woke up and the listening service missed her on their rounds? Or she somehow got out on to the balcony?
Fiona ~ 2 daughters (8 & 12 yrs)

So the Parenting Café recipe for a perfect family holiday is:

Firstly, ask yourself why are you going on holiday? These are the key reasons we identified from talking to our research families:

A break from routine
Break from work
Sun!
To see a different country/place
To educate the children and show them different experiences
To spend quality time with your children (no TV etc.)
To spend time with your partner
To do a specific activity: ski, sail, water ski, tennis etc.
To visit a specific attraction: Disney, Center Parcs,etc.
To share time with or visit with friends and family
Shopping
Sleeping

Do any of these ring a bell? Do you think about what you want out of a holiday? Have you really matched your holiday destination to the needs of your family?

If you find this process difficult then try shutting your eyes and painting a picture in your head of what you think you will be doing on your holiday at particular times? Most of us do this unconsciously, we might be imagining a sandy beach, or eating on a terrace or sailing across a beautiful calm bay. What we don’t do is translate this into reality – so paint a picture in your head of what you would like to be doing and then test it. It is really worth thinking it through before you go ahead and book anything. Once you have a clear picture, then it's time to search for the right holiday. We rarely book package holidays as booking directly opens up a lot more variety and opportunities. If you are in control of the arrangements you can save money and can end up having some wonderful family adventures.

Just to prove how worthwhile it is to put some effort into visualising how your ideas for a holiday might work, we’ve collected some stories from our discussion groups of what can go wrong!

One couple’s idea of a perfect holiday activity was long, relaxed evening meals, eaten outside on a terrace. Unfortunately, they had two young children who were very early risers. As they were getting up at 6am every morning, and then having a full on day looking after two lively toddlers, by 9pm they were exhausted and ready for bed.
One Mum was desperate for a relaxed, restful time away from her house and very busy domestic routine – but she ended up sharing a holiday cottage with another large family and so spent just as much time cooking and tidying up as at home.
A couple were longing for some time together – but chose an expensive hotel, saving money by having their child share their bedroom!

Secondly, pack without panicking!

Our research families have confirmed what most of us already know - everyone always packs too much to take on holiday. We know it, you know it and airport luggage handlers certainly know it! Here are the tips we were given most often by families who claim to pack light:

If it’s a beach holiday then the children only need 3 pairs of shorts, 4 t-shirts and a fleece – try this one, be ruthless and you’ll never look back.
If you are going somewhere warm then remember you can rinse things out and they will dry in no time.
If a child’s t-shirt gets really filthy try putting it on back to front to get it through the rest of the day.
1 week's supply of underwear is enough for anyone – socks and pants are easy to wash out and who wants to bring home a suitcase full of week old dirty knickers anyway?
Don’t wear socks on holiday.
Get everyone to pack their things into one grip bag or very small case – this really limits over packing and you can combine the contents into larger suitcases later. (Note from Karen – I’ve recently tried this and it really works).
Make older children pack themselves and give them their own bag and tell them firmly that they will be carrying this themselves.
Get children to pack themselves, audit what they pack but resist adding anything that isn’t essential for comfort (i.e. add a fleece but not another dress just because you think your daughter looks lovely in it).
You don’t need to take a different outfit to wear each evening, 3 is enough especially if you take separates you can mix and match.
Scarves pack very small and can be used to instantly change the appearance of an outfit.
Only two pairs of shoes per person – no one expects a child on holiday to wear smart shoes. And if you are tempted to pack an extra pair for yourself remember that holiday resorts always have great shoe shops!
Most countries that have everything a baby needs; including nappies, baby food and medicines. You really do not have to take two weeks worth of baby food jars with you.
Mosquito repellent is often better in the countries where people use them routinely, they are also usually cheaper abroad.
Too many parents take stacks of toys away with them. Are these really necessary? You are trying to get away from home – so don’t take it with you. A couple of familiar items for comfort is all that’s needed. Babies under 7 months don’t need many toys and over that age they are as happy playing with a wooden spoon as a designer rattle.
If your are going self catering and driving then get a supermarket to deliver the food just before you leave and put it straight in the car.

Finally, we have to included here one tip we’ve just got in for how to get on better with your children, hot off the press from our most recent discussion group. We think it’s a great idea.

My sister helped me to get the hang of the kids obsession with spending money in the hideous gift shops. We will be somewhere beautiful and all the children want to do is to be spending money on rubbish in some grotty shop. But my sister reminded me how when we were small that was all we had wanted to do and how excited we would get if we were allowed to go into a shop. So now I make sure I give them some spending money and they know how much they have to spend during the holiday. And I’ve trained myself to let them do what they want with the money.
Susie ~ 2 daughters & 1 son (9, 12 & 14 yrs).